4/1/11 – Poseidon

As you guys may have figured out, this blog is no longer going to be a daily thing.  I’ve got other things to do than blog all the time, and as much as I may want to, it kind of gets in the way of things like finishing my last semester of college.  That being said, the blog will update every Friday, so be sure to check back weekly for a spicy start to your weekend in the form of my opinions on whatever the thing of the week way be.  And today being Friday, that means…

Today, I’ll be rating Poseidon, god of the sea in Greek mythology:

Pros:

• One of the Big Three of Greek mythology.  The sons of Kronos (Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades) are regarded as the most powerful gods in the Greek pantheon.  Though Zeus is technically the head honcho, Poseidon’s certainly not one to scoff at, and his authority is enough to make most of the lesser gods tremble.
• The powers.  Whereas Zeus is the chief god and ruler of the air and Hades is lord of the underworld, Poseidon is king of the seas, bringer of storms, and master of earthquakes.  Not a bad deal.
• The trident.  Zeus and Athena carry massive spears.  Aries battles with sword and shield.  But only Poseidon wields the manliest weapon of all: a freaking trident.  Often called the “fisherman’s pitchfork”, the trident is Poseidon’s tool for stirring up waves and commanding the oceans.  And while you never see Poseidon wearing a shirt, he’s never caught without his trusty trident in hand.
• The beard.  While it’s likely that fish probably get caught in that thing like a drag net, there’s no denying that the king of the seas has some kickin’ facial shrubbery.
• The physique.  As can clearly be seen in the photo above, Poseidon is cut.  I suppose when a dude who doesn’t have fins or anything spends 24 hours a day swimming, he’s bound to have the body of a god.  Also explains why his togas are perpetually tied around the waist instead of up on the shoulder.

Cons:

• Perpetual sidekick.  There are a number of Greek myths which pit the gods against each other in cataclysmic battles for the fate of the universe.  As epic as that sounds, the biggest of these battles are usually between Zeus and Hades.  Hades wants Zeus’ job, and Zeus isn’t exactly keen on stepping down from his throne.  Other gods get involved, but at its core, it’s sibling rivalry.  But despite these brotherly disputes, Poseidon is usually just jumping in on Zeus’ side.  He’s reliable and a valuable asset, sure, but for being one of the three brothers, he’s not leading the charge like the other two.  If Zeus is Batman, then Poseidon is Robin.
• Lost a contest to his niece.  When the citizens of Athens were trying to decide on a patron god, Poseidon and Athena (Zeus’ daughter) were invited to have a contest for the heart of the city.  Whichever god gave the best gift to the Athenians would be made god of the city.  Poseidon struck the ground with his trident and a saltwater spring burst forth.  This impressed the Athenians.  Athena struck the ground with her spear and an olive tree shot up and quickly grew to fruition.  This impressed the Athenians more.  Hence, the capital of Greece is Athens, not Poseidous (although that’s an awesome name.  I call dibs).  A pretty sweet story for something as simple as a city name, but it’s not exactly a high point in Poseidon’s life.
• Convenience stores.  Take a look back at that picture of Poseidon up top.  He’s one pair of sunglasses short of being the archetypal surfer dude.  Spends all his time at the beach, long hair and gnarly beard, and no shirt or shoes ever.  But after a great day riding the waves, even a god is bound to get thirsty.  While all of his fellow surfers head into the nearby 7-Eleven to grab a Slurpee, Poseidon has to wait outside while his bros grab him a Dewski.  See, even gods have to obey a “No Shirt, No shoes, No Service” policy.  So while Poseidon’s sitting there on the curb, Zeus and Hades are inside wearing their togas and sandals, munching on Ritz Bits, and laughing at their beach bum bro.
• Kind of a tool.  This goes for pretty much any of the gods, but Poseidon has had quite a few moments in which his behavior was a little less than chivalrous.  A certain incident with a lovely young woman named Medusa comes to mind, but she’s far from being the only case.  The gods were known for showing up every once in a while, sleeping with human women, then heading back to Mt. Olympus, leaving the poor human women with super-powered demi-god children to raise and no child support coming down off the holy mountain to help out.

Rating: 16 Chicago-style Deep-dish Pizzas

For starters, it’s hard to deny the fact that he’s got some pretty awesome stuff going for him.  With a job title like “Lord of the Seas”, mystical powers of land and water, and a lineage that even most of the other gods couldn’t top, Poseidon’s got a lot going for him.  But just like that stack of cheesy, gooey, greasy pizzas, what appears awesome at first glance has its dark side.  Poseidon’s got a few character flaws, and he’s kind of a chronic under-achiever.  So instead of a mighty deity who sends waves crashing with his wrath and whose gaze causes oceans to boil, we get a slacker who’s more likely to spend an afternoon sipping Mai Tais with Dionysus than to actually do anything fitting of his title as one of the chief Greek gods. No wonder Aquaman was the worst member of the Justice League.

3/27/11 – Rugs

Today, I’ll be evaluating rugs:

Pros:

• Great alternative to carpets.  Where a carpet requires covering every square inch of floor space, a rug allows for just a section to be covered.  If you’ve got couches or bookcases in the room, they’ll be covering up carpet space, meaning you’re paying for nothing.  Rugs let you cover the business zones whilst leaving unnecessary areas uncovered.
• Compliments hardwood floors.  The sight of an entire room worth of wood can be a little daunting.  A rug not only subdues this effect, it also draws attentions to the places where the floor is visible.  Guests will appreciate your good taste in flooring, as well as complimenting your ability to match a rug to the floor color and thanking you for not scalding their eyes with the sight of a vast expanse of wood.
• Really ties the room together, man.
• Absorbs spilled juice and wine better than linoleum.
• Provides something fuzzy for your feet to touch, instead of placing them on cold, unfeeling tile or, worse, marble.
• Doubles as a tapestry for your jam space in the event that you are a single male musician between the age of 18 and 30.
• Some versions are made from bears.  Extra points for the ones that have the head taxidermied and still attached, preferably in a menacing expression.

Cons:

• Elaborate designs.  While some may like this, others may find that the multicolored patterns can be a bit distracting.  Eye-catching is a great feature for a painting or a sculpture, but for something which is designed to fill more of a background role, it can be a problem.  Eyes are going to be drawn downward, which means that less attention is going to be paid to you, the host, and more towards your choice of footwear.
• Expensive.  Especially the fancier ones.  For something which only fills up part of a room, these things sure cost a lot.  I googled “rugs” and looked at the first product on the first result.  The price tag ranges from $44.99 to $559.49.  That’s a lot of clams for something you’ll be walking all over.
• Bunching.  While a carpet’s location is relatively static, a rug can be moved by something so careless as a chair scootch.  Rugs have to be repositioned on a fairly regular basis in any area where human activity occurs, and this can prove to be a real pain for careless rugowners.

Rating: 6.7 Caribou

I love a good rug.  They’re a great alternative to carpets and a nifty way to add a bit of variety to the room.  So long as you shop sensibly and take care of it, a rug is an excellent investment which leaves owners feeling warm-footed and satisfied.

3/26/11 – Seinfeld Season 4 Disc 3

My roommate Alex is a huge Seinfeld fan, and when he started collecting the box sets last year, we made a point of watching each and every episode as he acquired them.  Our quest was largely successful; we got through every episode except for the series finale over the course of the semester (I still haven’t seen it, by the way).  In honor of our shared love of situational comedies based on the stylings of Jewish stand-up comedians, today I’ll be reviewing Seinfeld Season 4 Disc 3

Pros:

• It’s Seinfeld.  It takes a real bit of talent to take a show about how everyone in New York is a jerk, and make it into something which is not only hilarious, but also features a solid ensemble of genuinely likable characters.  The show as a whole is some great television, and this disc is no exception.
• It’s Seinfeld at its best.  While this disc may not contain some of the more famous episodes (no one shouts “No soup for you!” at any point here), it’s chock full of good stuff.  A lot of shows (here’s looking at you, The Office) start to coast around season 4, only to fizzle out halfway through the season and never recover.  Seinfeld keeps the gas on, and it pays off.  In my opinion, Season 4 marks the beginning of Seinfeld’s prime, a streak which lasts well into season 7.
• The Outing.  The fifth episode on the disc, “The Outing”, is one of our favorites.  A small misunderstanding leads to George and Jerry vehemently defending their heterosexuality in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary, all while clarifying, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”  While it has all the classic humor of any Seinfeld episode, it also serves as a clever commentary on our culture’s insistence on politically correct language in the media.
• Kramer.  When that lanky guy swings the door open and heads straight to the fridge, the show gets taken to the next level.

Cons:

• The fashion.  This was filmed in the early 1990’s, and almost 20 years later, the fashions and haircuts are atrocious.  For the most part, it’s just the 90’s zeitgeist.  But there are a few instances in which it’s really bad.  Distractingly so.
• The laugh track.  While I love old sitcoms, the laugh track has always bugged me.  I feel like, if someone’s cuing you when to laugh, it’s not really genuine.  Even when a joke is funny, laughing in sync with a fake audience lessens the experience.
• Kramer.  I’m torn about this.  Kramer tends to steal the show whenever he’s on camera.  Not that it’s not enjoyable, but it can get overwhelming at points.  On the other hand, whenever he’s not there, I find myself wishing he was.  As much as I hate spin-off shows, I feel like the only way to fix this is to make a Kramer show, where he can hog the spotlight all he wants.  But then, Seinfeld is lacking.  Such a conundrum…

Rating: 10 Pairs of Cowboy Boots

While the entirety of Seinfeld’s nine season run would easily be worth a whole shoe store, keep in mind that this is just part of the larger picture.  It’s got some definite high points, but it’s not the absolute best of the series.  For non-watchers who are looking to get a candid look at the series as a whole without having to sit through the whole thing, this disc ain’t a bad place to start.

3/25/11 – Reuben Sandwiches

Today, I’ll be addressing the important issue of Reuben sandwiches:

For those of you who may not be familiar, a Reuben is a glorious sandwich, served hot and delicious.  From the plate up, the ingredients are:

• Rye bread (rye swirl is an acceptable substitute)
• Sauerkraut
• Corned Beef
• Swiss Cheese
• Russian dressing (1000 Island is an acceptable substitute)
• Rye bread

The Reuben was invented sometime during the 20th century, although different accounts report its place of birth in either Omaha, Nebraska or New York, New York.  Personally, while the latter is statistically more likely, I’m more inclined to attribute it to Nebraska, mostly because New York has enough going for it already and there’s no need to be greedy.

Pros:

• Excellent use of rye bread.  Rye isn’t a popular choice for many sandwiches these days, largely because of its bold flavor, which can overpower lesser meats (here’s looking at you, turkey).  The flavors on a Reuben are bold enough to withstand an onslaught of rye, and it actually helps tie together the flavor as a whole.
• Corned beef.  Archeologists have recently discovered that, while the Olympian gods of Ancient Greece subsisted on a diet of ambrosia, the gods of ancient Ireland enjoyed a diet solely consisting of corned beef.  Like rye bread, corned beef doesn’t get the respect it deserves, but here, it takes center stage, accompanied by an excellent supporting cast
• Sauerkraut.  I feel like all of these pros have to, at some point, touch on how underrated these ingredients are.  Sauerkraut may not be for everyone, but it does provide a refreshing crunch as well as an acidic flavor which go a long way to making the Reuben the sandwich that it is.
• Availability.  A lot of the best sandwiches out there are location-exclusive, or at least regional fare, meaning an unfortunate cross-country trek for the avid sandwich lover.  While the Reuben may not be available at nation-wide chain restaurants like Subway, all the places in the USA that I’ve visited have had at least one place that makes a decent Reuben.  In other words, no matter where you are, you can enjoy this chunk of awesome.

Cons:

• Sauerkraut.  This is gonna turn a lot of people off, which is really a crying shame.  The fact is, sauerkraut is something of an acquired taste, and first timers may find its bold flavor to be a bit too much, especially in a sandwich setting.  The end result is that people don’t get to enjoy what is truly a great sandwich.
• Swiss cheese.  I’m a huge fan of cheese, but, in all honesty, Swiss has never been at the top of my list.  However, it is a dairy product just like any other cheese, so, like a weird old uncle who mumbles to himself and smells like pickles, I will accept it as a valid member of the cheese family, personal taste notwithstanding.  In this sandwich, more often than not, the subtle, nutty flavor of Swiss gets lost amidst heavy-hitters like corned beef and sauerkraut.  Depending on the ratio of ingredients, some Reubens may even be indistinguishable on the palate from a Swiss-less look-alike.  Not that a stronger cheese would necessarily be better here, but it’s a shame to see any cheese go unsung.
• Variability.  The dark side of availability.  When a certain food is plentiful, it also means that you’re going to see a lot of variance between sandwiches from one place to the next.  One sandwich shop may slather on too much dressing, while the next uses thin bread which folds like a cheap suit when exposed to the hearty innards.  Some places are even so bold as to market a “turkey reuben” sandwich (Don’t buy the lie, kids.  A Reuben made with turkey is called a Rachel, and it’s a far inferior sandwich).  While Reuben purists would argue that any of these lackadaisical attempts are undeserving of the moniker, restaurants persist in calling them “Reubens”, and the best motto for trying any new restaurant’s Reuben is simply “Caveat Emptor“, or, “Let the buyer beware”.

Rating:  17 High Fives (or 1 High Eighty Five)

The Reuben is a great, if sometimes misunderstood, sandwich.  The flavors convalesce into a swirling maelstrom of pleasure inside one’s mouth, and each ingredient fits well within the overarching metanarrative of the sandwich. So long as the diner exercises discretion on whose “reuben” he or she chooses to consume, this is one sandwich which promises a satisfying culinary journey with each embarkment.

3/24/11 – Golden Retriever Puppies

Often, when I go to the mall, I take time out of my busy schedule to stop by the pet store for some old fashioned window shopping.  When I do, it’s solely because of these little guys:

That is so darn cute.  I am literally going to die.

Pros:

• One of the top five cutest things on planet Earth, up there with tiny sneezing pandas and yawning babies.
• Fluffy as all get out.  If there was a way to make this post have texture, like those cardboard books for infants with the cloth panels, I would, just so we could all touch those fluffy little puppies right now.  Don’t try, though.  You’ll just end up touching a cold, unfeeling monitor, and you may even get a shock.
• Portable.  Unlike their full-grown counterparts, a Golden Retriever puppy can be stashed just about anywhere, from an air duct to an old shoe to those hand warmer pouches on the front of pullover sweatshirts, allowing you to sneak them into board meetings, comic cons, movie theaters, weddings, and just about anywhere else that you might want an emergency dose of puppy lovin’.
• Excellent for bartering.  If you live in a society where bartering is a commonplace method of attaining goods, these things are a valuable asset.  Most people would die to get their hands on one of these, and bringing one to your local bazaar or flea market is sure to guarantee that you walk away with an armload of treasure.  In fact, the practice of using puppies as currency once became so common that these puppies began to be referred to as “golden”, which, over time, became the reason behind the name we know them by today.
• Golden Retriever Dogs.  Puppies hold the same appeal as Chia pets, caterpillars, Pokemon, cake batter, tadpoles, and bank accounts with high interest rates: if you wait long enough, they grow into something bigger and cooler.  As much as I love puppies, I love the adult versions just as much.  And anytime I can get something I love that turns into another thing I love, it’s a pretty good deal.

Cons:

• Lack of manners.  Contrary to popular belief, dogs do not emerge from the womb as perfect gentlemen who play poker.  During the puppy phase, Golden Retrievers are liable to pee on everything you own.  All white clothing must be placed on shelves no lower than 3 feet off the ground, and any stray papers lying about are as good as gone.  Combine that with chewing up the furniture, barking in the night, and the occasional “surprise” on the carpet, and these cute balls of fur can seem like mischievous little imps.
• Allergies.  While I’ve been fortunate enough to elude this affliction, there are some who have allergic reactions in the presence of puppies.  While it’s not like the puppies are doing it on purpose, it’s still a bit of a bummer, and it merits consideration here.
• Portable.  Sneaking a puppy into any of the aforementioned places is a good way to get you, your dog, or both kicked out.  But with their tiny size and pleading little eyes, you’ll feel terrible leaving them at home, especially when bringing them with you seems like it could be a possibility.  Eventually, you’ll be torn between having a normal life while being plagued by guilt at leaving your puppy to die of loneliness, or becoming a reclusive shut-in who can’t leave the house for fear of adorable canine judgment.
• Lack of meat.  When the apocalypse comes, be it nuclear, zombie, divine, or some other option, food is going to become scarce.  Of course, the puppies will not appreciate this dire situation, and will continue eating at rates appropriate for a growing puppy.  When the canned food supplies are dwindling and the supermarkets have become gang turf, you’ll eventually be forced to eat your furry friend.  Grim, but this is survival we’re talking about here.  If you do have to eat the puppy (or worse, if it becomes a puppy-zombie), you’ll have to eventually kill it, an action made all that harder by his innocent-looking little face and his sad, betrayed puppy eyes.  Unfortunately, despite eating the same amount of food as a fully-grown Golden Retriever, your puppy will have a disproportionate lack of meat on his tiny frame, meaning you’re getting less payout for a much higher emotional cost.  In a world where each action must be considered in light of its implications for your well-being, being a puppy owner may not be the best way to go.

Intermission: Looking back over that last bullet point, it became much more depressing than I had originally intended.  Sorry about that, folks.  Here’s some pictures of Golden Retriever Puppies that I found online.  Take as much time as you need with them before moving on to the rating.

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Rating: 157 Jellybeans (not licorice)

The fact of the matter is, puppies are freaking awesome.  They may not have the most utilitarian value, but then again, neither does a colorful sunset.  Golden Retriever Puppies have a rare, almost magical ability to inflict happiness upon any who touch them.  And even if you wouldn’t want to own one, it’s hard to resist those little furry guys when one comes up and looks through your eyes and into your soul.

3/23/11 – 8 AM

Ugh.  Early morning today.  Well, by senior-in-college standards at least.  Meaning wake up time is at 8 am.  Therefore, in honor of this unfortunate happenstance, today I’ll be rating 8 am.

Pros:

• It’s an essential part of the day.  Without 8am, the clock would have nowhere to go after 7:59am and would probably break down at that point.  And 8am paves the way for 9am, which leads to 10am, my favorite wake up time.
• Spongebob is on.  Some people would consider this a con (not the least of which would be my mother).  I, however, don’t.  While I am fully aware of its mind-numbing idiocy, there’s something about that nasally yellow dude that makes me smile.  And when that fails, Squidward is freaking hilarious.
• Burger King is serving breakfast at this point.  While Burger King’s usual menu is nothing special, 8am is one of those rare, glorious times when they have “Croissan’wich”es, which is a delicious way to start your day.
• It’s enough time to get stuff done before my 9am class.  Things like showering, eating a banana, checking emails, and, yes, even blogging, can all be accomplished during that 1 hour window.

Cons:

• It looks just like 8pm on old-school clocks.  If you were to look at the picture above, with no frame of reference, you’d have no way of knowing whether it was 8am or 8pm.  And therein lies the deception.  8pm is a wonderful time of day, filled with being awake, eating dinner, and relaxing around the house with friends after a day of classes and whatever else.  8am is the antithesis of this, a time when a full day’s work lies ahead of you, when friends are all still asleep (at least in my house), and when it’s a little too early for dinner.
• It makes me tired when I wake up at this time.
• The world is still cold.  By mid-afternoon, the sun has warmed up the Earth nicely and it’s wonderful outside.  At 8am, the world is still recovering from the chill of the night.  This can lead to someone deciding to wear a jacket or hoodie to class in the morning at 8, only to discover that by lunch it is too warm to be comfortable.  So 8am is a liar, pretty much.
• All the cool websites haven’t updated yet.  I like to do an early morning surf after I wake up.  But when I’m up at 8am, all the coolest websites still haven’t updated, such as Threadless, which doesn’t post new t-shirt designs until mid-morning at the earliest.  So while there is time to surf, there’s really no reason to.
• Burger King breakfast is really, REALLY bad for you.

Rating: 2 Dry Waffles

8am probably has its merits, but for me at least, the bad outweighs the good.  I’m not a morning person by any extent, and 8am is just a hateful time to me.  Granted, that’s just my opinion.  Just like how some people probably like waffles without syrup, there are probably those who would consider 8am a great thing.  But I know what I like, and I like my waffles syrupy and my mornings late.

3/22/11 – Black Cardigan Sweater

This is the first post, so I feel a bit of introduction is in order.  On this blog (dave rates everything), I’ll be doing what the name implies:  giving ratings to pretty much whatever I feel like.  I’ll introduce the item, usually with a picture, and do a short pros/cons rundown of the benefits and low points.  Finally, I’ll give it a completely arbitrary rating based on my analysis.  If you’re unsure how this works, keep reading and you’ll probably figure it out.  If you are sure, keep reading anyway.  Reading the first paragraph of a blog and then leaving is offensive in most cultures, including whatever one you happen to be in right now.

Today, I’ll be evaluating the sweater which I happen to be wearing.  Here she is:

I’ve had this baby for a few months now, ever since I picked her up with a gift card I got this Christmas.  A pretty good sweater, all in all, but I think a full pros and cons list is probably necessary to assess this sweater’s awesomeness quotient, or AQ.

Pros:

• Comfortable.  Probably cottony.  Comfort is one of my highest concerns with any piece of clothing, so a high comfort rating is a huge plus.  Update:  Further research has revealed that the sweater is 100% cotton.  So it’s got that going for it.
• Provides the ideal level of warmth for an indoor atmosphere.  Just enough to leave you feeling warm and snuggly, but not so much as to cause sweatiness or discomfort.
• Provides a good level of warmth for springtime weather.  By this point in the year, I’m dying to not be wearing jackets anymore, but there are still some days where I don’t quite want to go out in just a t-shirt.  This sweater fits nicely somewhere in the middle.
• Perfectly “classual”.  Sufficient to meet the dress code standards of Cedarville University when paired with a plain t-shirt, but still relaxed enough that it doesn’t really feel like dressing up for class.  Classy, yet casual.
• It’s black.  Which I could use to my advantage in certain situations.  For example, if I ever needed to go undercover and infiltrate an underground ring of hipster ninjas, I’m already halfway there, disguise-wise.

Cons:

• The sleeves tend to slide down when pushed back to 3/4 sleeve length (as pictured).  It’s not quite to the point of being frustrating, but it’s enough that you have to readjust them every 20 minutes or so.
• It’s black.  Not a huge con, but I don’t have a lot of black in my wardrobe, whereas I do have a lot of brown.  For example, wearing this sweater today meant that I had to switch out my highly awesome brown leather belt for my slightly less awesome black leather belt.  Not the worst thing in the world, but hey, I’m trying to be thorough here.
• Sometimes leaves little black thingies on my shirts.  This is the biggest con by far.  When paired with a white button-up wear-me-with-a-tie type shirt, I’ve notices that it has a habit of occasionally imparting some of its cottony fuzziness to the underlying shirt.  This fuzzies are a pain in the butt to get off, meaning I have to wash and subsequently iron the white dressy shirt.   Given my hatred of ironing, this is a big point against.  Fortunately, the saving grace here is that this doesn’t happen every time, and it seems to only affect white shirts, so other light colors are safe.

Rating:  4.7 Omelettes

This is a good sweater, all in all.  It fulfills its role perfectly: keeping you warm without overheating you. While it may not be ideal for the coldest of weather scenarios, it makes up for it by retaining its usefulness all the way into late spring/early fall.  The fuzzies is a bit of a bummer, but it’s not an everyday occurence, and the usefulness and comfort provided by the sweater more than outweighs the negatives.

That’s it for Review #1.  I’ll be doing this on a pseudo-daily basis, so check back every couple of days and you should find a new update or two.